We are so small, how do we find purpose?

This one is longish and covers several things so here's a quick contents:

1 - My Thoughts On Instagram So Far

2 - Life. We Are So Tiny. Make The Most Of It.

3 - News

4 - What I've Been Doing

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My Thoughts On Instagram So Far

Ever since I’ve been back on Instagram I’ve been struggling to figure out the purpose of this mailing list here.

Instagram has been fun so far, and it’s been great hearing people’s thoughts on my slightly strange approach to it.

If you’ve not seen anything, I’ve been posting very infrequently, but they are loooong and in-depth, so similar to what these emails usually are.

After having 18 months off from social media I didn’t want to come back into the old habits that I used to have.

So I don’t have Instagram on my phone, I only check it once a week, on my laptop, when I have to unlock the parental restrictions that prevent me from going on it whenever I want.

(Yes I am like a child, I found if don’t take these somewhat extreme steps I will find myself scrolling the hours away without noticing).

So much of what I know some people don’t like about social media is the appearance of people’s perfect lifestyles.

I’m trying my very hardest to portray a full, complete version of myself. 

It’s strange telling people about the not-so-good parts of my life but I’m hoping that it makes things easier. 

I’ve known moments in the past where I’ve felt shit myself and then seen someone on Instagram who appears to be doing everything that I want to be doing without a single issue.

So even though there are times when life is going great, I still want to share the moments of difficulty.

Another thing, people post so much content, and I know I used to find it overwhelming. 

I spent 2 months in 2021 committing myself to TikTok, I think I posted 3 times a day almost every day.

Not only did it make me exhausted and feel awful, but I’m certain the quality of what I was producing was so much worse.

I don’t want to be a content machine that is just churning out tidbits of entertainment that feed the algorithm.

I want to share myself with real people and create something that is engaging, interesting, entertaining and maybe educational.

I’ve been sharing the highlights, the shadows, the things I’ve learned, and the things that have been inspiring me. 

My music is an amalgamation of everything that I experience in life, and I want to give people an insight into how a lot of this manifests.

But I don’t want to abandon this mailing list here because I love having newsletters from my favourite artists, it feels more personal.

So I think for now this is going to be more of an overarching ramble of larger aspects of life that I’ve been feeling.

If you want to hear about the nitty gritty stuff of things then my very occasional Instagram posts are the place for you.

Click here girl

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Life. We Are So Tiny. Make The Most Of It.

More and more lately I feel like I’m connected to something bigger.

Over the past couple of years, I’ve found myself increasingly interested in the concept of connecting and appreciating nature as a way to slow down.

I’ve been feeling more peaceful about everything and I am so content that everything will be fine.

This sense of there being something bigger outside of me is allowing me to just chill out, nothing is a big deal, and in the grand scheme of things, it’s never that serious.

Yes, maybe I’m sounding a bit religiony or too spiritual for you but if that’s what it is then fine.

I just feel like the universe is so huge, the world is so big, and time expands forever before we existed, after we will exist, and we really are such a tiny part of everything.

Sometimes this train of thought can lead to a big existential crisis (which by now you know I’m prone to) but lately, I’ve been seeing it as a blessing.

Our time is so short, and we are so tiny, but that doesn’t make things less important.

This is still our 1 and only life, and no matter how tiny it is in comparison to everything that surrounds it, it is the only thing that we will ever have, so we sure as hell need to make the most of it.

That doesn’t mean I need to run myself into the ground trying to do everything I can think of.

Yes, a couple of years ago this was what I thought but now I know from experience that this doesn’t end well.

The best way for me to make sure I enjoy this life is to look after myself, take things slower, and appreciate the day-to-day experience of living.

Let myself wallow when things aren’t good, but know that it will get better and allow myself to sit with my feelings.

And when things are amazing, absorb myself into that feeling, let myself sink into it as much as possible, but also know that it won’t be like that forever.

The short-lived nature of experiences makes me cherish them more, for the good or the bad.

Last year I wrote a song that I love so much and will eventually release (not too soon) called No Heaven On Earth. 

It’s a song about loving life to its fullest. 

It’s so easy to wish our days away and dream of the life that is just around the corner, but if that’s all we do, then before we know it we have wished our entire life away.

Life is so great because of its variety, sometimes it’s better, sometimes it’s worse, but I wouldn’t change it for all that it’s worth.

I want to sink into the sea and feel the sun on my skin.

I want to spend the evenings with my friends laughing about nothing in particular.

I want to see the morning sky as I’m hiking up a mountain.

I want to scream my voice raw as I’m dancing in the middle of a crowd, drenched in strangers' sweat.

I want to sit around the table with my loved ones and slowly enjoy a delicious dinner.

I want to walk along the sand, feeling the warm grains in between my toes.

I know to get to experience these things there will be others that I’d rather not experience along the way.

But everything is an opportunity to learn and to grow and I’m ready to embrace it all.

I don’t know what my life has in store for me.

I don’t know where I will be this time next year, or in 5, 10, or 20 years.

I’ve got my plans, but we all know that plans never go accordingly and so I don’t expect to be there.

I don’t know how this whole music career will turn out, but right now it’s part of my dream and you know I’m going to give it my all.

There’s something exciting about the unknown.

And yes, it’s also terrifying, but the amount of opportunity is thrilling.

Would you rather have the rest of your life open with endless chances ahead of you, or would you want to know exactly what you will be doing at any point for the remainder of your life?

Yes, maybe there’s stability, but how interesting is that going to be if you knew what was going to happen?

Get me on that rollercoaster NOW and no matter how much I scream, deep down I don’t want to get off.

There may be tears down my face, but the wind will be in my hair.

Maybe I’m crying from fear, or maybe I’m crying of laughter, either way, I’m feeling everything as much as possible.

Okay, I think I’ve rambled enough now.

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News

As you may know, I’ve been working on new music a lot of this year, I’m so excited to get things out into the world and into your ears.

I will be releasing a new single a the end of June and I cannot wait for you to all hear it.

It’s very much in line with some of the things I’ve said in this email about embracing life.

For now, that’s as much information as you’re getting.

If you want to keep more updated with everything I’m doing, make sure you follow me on Instagram:

I told you already... click here!!

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What I've Been Doing

Here are just a couple of things that I’ve been up to since we last spoke.

I went to Nice

I saw RAYE, she was insane

the blossoms were beautiful

I saw Griff, her music is flawless

the sun has been really pretty

I went the opera, I felt so fancy

I went to the National Gallery, this was my favourite

an unplanned night out

Lots of love,

Joe

I'm coming back to Instagram... and I'm MAD

So I sat down with my notebook earlier and wanted to write down some feelings and thoughts about technology & social media that I’ve been having lately, I find that doing this helps me distil everything and come to some sort of conclusion.

It’s a ride, but I think it could be of interest so I’m sharing it with you.

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Here goes:

It's been one year and three months since I've denounced social media

and I've been by no means perfect.

I've overridden the content blocks on occasion and accidentally spent hours on TikTok or getting dragged into a weird YouTube hole.

But those moments continue to show me why I love my choice because doing those things makes me feel awful.

And the way that I’ve been living my life without them has been so freeing.

But something’s been burning lately.

Something kind of feels like it’s missing.

Someone said something that planted a seed in my brain and suddenly I can't stop thinking of different ideas to come back to social media in a "raw” and "authentic” way that will somehow be manageable and also life-changing.

I don't disagree that there are benefits to social media and

technology that I'm missing out on.

I do really miss seeing what some of my closest friends are up to.

And yes, maybe not seeing that means I make more of an effort in real life, but also scheduling is so hard so even though I want to always be meeting up and FaceTimeing my friends it is still a logistical nightmare.

Also maybe I just miss seeing cute little pictures of them 🤷‍♀️

I met one of my dearest friends through Instagram, so I know what it can give me.

Who knows what other relationships there are to be had out there.

And then there’s the whole consideration of how the HELL am I going to fulfil my dream life of a full-time artist if I’m not following the mandated social media marketing tactics that everyone and no one seems to be getting success out of?

I just feel like I'm being tempted a lot by it lately.

I can't tell if it's the feeling that I should be doing it or if I actually want to be doing it.

What I do know is if I return, I do not want to go back to the same old habits.

I don't want to be chasing trends or followers or spending hours watching videos about how to make the algorithm work for me.

What I love about music is the connection it creates.

There is no other feeling like being at a gig/party/club and screaming along to a song you love with people you love and strangers you've never met before.

The more and more time I take to think, the less and less I seem to care about the things that I want to obtain and to achieve.

I don't know how long my life is going to last.

Yes, I am planning for the future, but at the same time I want to make sure I am enjoying the present as much as possible, so I don't want to do anything

if it's not bringing me some sort of joy.

I'm ready to Marie Kondo the HELL out of my entire life.

I want to write music because I love it, and I want to share it to make connections with other people who love it too.

I don't want to be scrolling for hours, trying to figure out how long the optimal Instagram reel is so that I can go viral (unless suddenly this brings me an immense amount of joy???)

I want to share the raw,

the exciting,

the mundane,

the upsetting.

I don't want lots of people;

I want a few people that care a lot.

Something is happening within the music industry and people aren't happy about it.

Do I have evidence? No.

But I can feel a shift. (Maybe I’m wrong, and this is just delusional hope, but we can’t know)

Artists are sick and tired of spending their time on everything except their art.

And even the "art" is suffering so that it can tick lots of little boxes.

I don't want writing music to feel like I'm back in my A Levels, trying to satisfy AQA moderators and their stupid little marking criteria.

Nothing seems to be lasting.

Technology has taken us from creatures that care and grow slowly, into little gremlins that are scavenging around for the easiest and quickest hit of dopamine that we can find.

Maybe that’s the fruit-machine lever of the TikTok For You page.

Or it’s the likes that you get when you put up a cute little story of something from your day (obviously let’s not talk about all the bad things that have happened today as well, duh)

Or it’s the semi-viral success of an artist who has forsaken their art to make something that’s appealing in a 15-second video clip to as many people as possible

How much content do you ingest every day?

And how much of that could you recall the next day,

never mind the next week, month or year.

How many of your OWN stories do you even remember?

How many of those viral TikTok songs could you sing now,

never mind name the artists themselves.

If this is what’s classed as success today, count me out

(out of service, out of Africa, I wouldn’t hang about)

(Sorry, I couldn’t resist)

I want to do something different, because this doesn’t work for me, and honestly, I don’t believe that it works for the majority of people out there doing it either.

At the core of us as humans:

People are invested in people.

People are passionate about people who are passionate.

Yes, I might love a little boogie to a song that’s a funny quip on a nursery rhyme, but I can't imagine sweating and crying in a crowd of strangers over a song like that.

I need something that makes me FEEL and that's what seems to be missing these days.

The thought of those over-enthusiastic people on TikTok actually makes me nauseous.

But I'm mad.

Not at the people who are part of it because everyone is just trying their best.

The whole system is fucked.

And even if I say I want to return to social media in an "authentic" way is that really possible?

I've already slipped up.

In this email I've probably come across as condescending because realistically haven’t I just ranted about how superior I am since I’m not conforming to the trappings of modern society?

Is that authentic?

Is that any different?

Because even if I try to be ‘authentic’, things will still be a curated feed to show myself in a certain light that I’ve obviously thought way too much about already.

I'd want things to slow down.

Somehow not showing you every part of my life,

because who cares, and what makes me important?

But then isn't the way of being the most true version of

myself online by showing everything?

The highs and the lows.

Or is that just narcissism?

Should I just keep it to the music and keep the trials and tribulations in life out of it?

But then where is the connection?

Can there even be a connection through several layers of screens and Wi-Fi signals?

Is the whole effort futile?

I'm passionate and I am so incredibly grateful and in love with the life I have.

Lately, it seems like I'm tearing up every day because of

how much I love the people in my life.

I love my home.

I love my music.

I love my work which allows me to follow my dreams.

There's so much I love, but the struggle comes from trying to tie it all together into a "purpose" and maybe that's where I'm going wrong.

We need to sit down,

have a breath,

and just look around us.

This is our life.

Regardless of what has happened or what might happen.

This right here in this moment is the life that we are living.

Maybe you perceive it as good or bad but it's not necessarily that clear.

It. Just. Is.

There's no choice in what it is right now, but there is a choice in how we view it.

So if you can, look at everything through rose-coloured glasses, because why the fuck would you not want to?

Where is the joy in expecting the worst???

I am unashamed of my extreme (some may say toxic) positivity because it makes me so much happier than the alternatives.

Just because I can't change something it doesn't mean I can't change how I feel about it.

I want to live my life to the point of delusional happiness.

Because why not?

Yes, I'm sure I'm going to make many mistakes and things are never going to go smoothly, but from everything, I can learn

adjust

let go

and move on.

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So I think the conclusion to this stream-of-consciousness/rant is that I’m going to try it.

If I fail then so be it, I can become a social media recluse again.

But I think it’s almost time.

Expect messy, expect slow, expect ugly, expect boring,

But at least you can expect the truth.

Kinda hate that I'm doing this

(or maybe I'm just scared, it's hard to tell the difference sometimes)

If you want to see it, click here

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I’ve been on a rampage of reading books lately and I think a culmination of that and having good conversations with people has been leading me to these thoughts.

Ask people you know how technology makes them feel; start the conversation.

What do they like about it, and what do they not like?

Do the benefits outweigh the drawbacks?

Look at your screen time, what would you do with all those hours instead if you weren’t looking at that screen?

Are you happy? Does scrolling through whatever it is you scroll through make you truly happy?

What is important to you in your life?

What are some moments you remember that stand out as being exceptionally joyful?

What were you doing in those moments? (I’d pretty confidently put a bet on it involving raw connections with other people, or a connection to nature at large)

And then here are some of the books

that I’ve been reading (each with a little summary of what I personally got out of it)

Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers

I mentioned this in my last email, but again it’s guiding me. Connect to your higher self, be less critical of things in life, let things wash over you a little easier, and step into the unknown.

The Untethered Soul by Michael A Singer

Take a step back from yourself, breathe, take it slow, and be gentle on yourself.

Untamed by Glennon Doyle

Listen to yourself, trust fully. And admit that you maybe don’t know the best way to do things.

Can’t Even by Anne Helen Petersen (particularly Chapter 7&8)

Technology is stressing us out, there’s so much going on in life already, give yourself time to think. Be easy on yourself.

All The Lonely People by Mike Gayle

A fiction book, all about the importance of people, and getting out of our comfort zones.

On Connection by Kai Tempest

We create to connect. We crave that human connection. There is nothing like it.

Show Your Work by Austin Kleon

Maybe there is a way to be online with more authenticity, and nurturing ‘connections’ with people through social media.

This Vox article:

https://www.vox.com/culture/2024/2/1/24056883/tiktok-self-promotion-artist-career-how-to-build-following

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Something is wrong with the industry of creatives, and it works for no one, and there’s surely got to be another way.

In case you were interested in what I’ve actually been up to in my life, not just the thoughts that have been circling through my head. Here’s a little roundup.

I took almost 2 weeks off work for my birthday to celebrate by seeing as many of my friends and family as I could and doing things that bring me joy.

These included a ridiculously themed birthday party, a trip to an indoor garden, a viewing of Sandra Bullock’s Speed in the cinema, ice skating, several fancy delicious meals, an absinthe parlour, a curiosities museum, Korean karaoke, a family meal, a walk in Hampstead heath, and a lavish afternoon tea.

I’ve also been working on my music still. I’ve recently drawn up a rough timeline of where I am at and my plans for the next few months, and if I keep myself accountable then I should be releasing music around June time.

I’ve got songs that I love so much and I want other people to love them so much too.

I can’t wait and I’m so excited for these songs, which mean things to me, to also mean things to other people as well.

I’m so grateful to you all for indulging my long-ass emails which are basically just rants and streams of consciousness but I love you all for it.

You’re all doing great as the role of my brain cells listening to all my thoughts.

Lots of love

Joe

(see below for pics)

no questions please

saucy

the raffle winners

a karaoke moment, obviously

the fam

potential album cover?

work friends becoming friends for life

fancy birthday breakfast

some of the loves of my life

me and bess in our natural habitat

iconic karaoke moments

hampstead heath #1

hampstead heath #2

possibly the best vegan food I've ever had (Mallow in London)

fancy afternoon tea

a cheeky cocktail

P.S. Even this mailing list is a curated feed of life.

It's supposed to be the most 'authentic' form of communication but look!

I've just put in a stream of the best bits of my life from the last two months.

Don't worry, there were lows in there as well.

But the thing about the lows is that they are lot less visually appealing, we are very unlikely to document them, never mind then share them.

If you want a snippet, I've struggled with a wandering sense of self, grappling new feelings that I'm unfamiliar with, and trying to figure out who I am in the context of romance.

Oh also, complete exhaustion from working 12-14 hour days on my feet with minimal sleep, lack of self care, eating food that's only beige, and occasionally not going outside for a couple days at a time.

But being someone who likes to focus more on the positives, I don't like to focus on those things, but for a more balanced view for you of what life is like, I think it's important to share.

Love you again,

Joe

Do we always feel this much? I'm scared

So I’ve been feeling a lot lately, I’m not too sure if it’s been more than usual or if our emotions are smaller in hindsight but I feel like everything is swirling around inside of me.

Isn’t it weird how we feel our emotions physically,

like how can it be that I feel these things in my stomach?

I’ve been feeling the highs more, the lows more,

and every other side-to-side direction more intensely.

I don’t know if there have been triggers, but something has been happening and I’m more aware of everything that I feel.

There’s so much to think about.

It can be hard to let go.

I’m not sure which direction I should be following these thoughts but I’m kind of enjoying it.

Not sure how many of you remember my chaos era which I decisively concluded sometime earlier this year.

Either way, I’m still learning from it.

We are fully in control of our own lives and I’m still not quite used to it.

Things have been scaring me a lot lately.

I thought I was settled, but my feathers have been ruffled, or maybe I’ve been woken up, I feel like I’m starting again.

Is this life?

As soon as we feel a little bit of stillness things change and spice things up for us.

Because if it is, then good, I don’t want to be stagnant.

I think that at one point in my life, I believed I could fully understand myself and figure out the perfect way to lead my life through enough discovery, but I’m starting to realise that that isn’t the case.

I’m never going to fully understand myself, no matter how much I treat myself as my own therapist.

I’m always doing things that surprise me, and scare me, and annoy me, and bring me joy, and I can never tell what’s coming next, even if I think I do.

I guess it’s about trust though isn’t it.

I’m trusting more, in myself, and in the universe.

She’s been presenting me with opportunities that I don’t know how to handle.

I’ve been having mental wars with myself.

There’s that quote about feeling the fear and facing it and

I feel like that’s been leading me recently.

Every day I feel like I’m on the edge of a huge drop, one foot off the edge ready to jump.

I’m terrified, but also there’s excitement as well.

I close my eyes, take a breath, and step out.

Maybe that’s where the feelings in my stomach are coming from.

You know when you are falling really fast, I think it’s the same feeling.

I’m scared, I’m nervous, I’m falling,

maybe I’m flying.

I was pottery painting the other week and couldn’t help but listen to these two girls’ conversation next to me.

One of them said that nerves and excitement are the same feeling, it’s just how we frame them, and I didn’t even have to think about it, I knew she was right.

It also reminded me something of my mum once told me years ago, that nerves mean you care about what is to come, they are a good thing.

So maybe I don’t know what there is to come, but I’m nervous, so I guess I’m excited and I care. I’m taking the step, I’m falling, I’m flying.

I’m moving into unknown territories, or places I’ve been before and forgotten about.

Our brains can do crazy things, and I’m always discovering what mine is doing.

I met up with a songwriter friend recently and we got onto the topic of songwriting as a form of therapy.

I write most of my songs on my own, and it means I spend a lot of time thinking, inspecting, and analysing how I feel.

Like I’m my own therapist, I’m thinking about why I feel these things, whether it’s good or bad, or neither.

It can be exhilarating making breakthroughs in my own little head, but also confusing.

How can we not understand ourselves?

If we aren’t in control of ourselves then who is?

So me and my friend were discussing, do you have to be a personal therapist to be a songwriter, or does writing songs cause you to become one?

And I can’t understand what’s going on in other people’s heads if they aren’t thinking about who they are, what they are doing, the things they do, why they do them, where they want to go, who they want to meet, and trying to find out all the reasons behind these things.

Another friend of mine told me that she believes she can accurately guess what most of her friends are thinking about the majority of the time. (This conversation stemmed from the ‘boyfriends thinking about the Roman Empire’ trend).

She said that mine is myself.

Honestly, I agree.

I don’t think there’s any way for that to not sound self-absorbed, but I think it would be the same with most songwriters.

I’m transforming my life experience into music, trying to decipher all these thoughts and weird stomach feelings into words that make sense, and melodies that sound nice.

It’s a heavy cognitive load to take on so no wonder I’m thinking about myself a lot of the time.

I’m aware that what I’m writing here is so abstract and making very little sense but I guess that’s part of the process of figuring things out.

I’m currently in the fog, and when it clears things will make more sense, but for now, I’m just trusting, feeling the fear, and taking the step.

I’m making sure to hold onto those moments that will become memories as much as possible in the present.

Taking a little mental picture and savouring it as it happens.

Now I should probably update you with like what’s actually been happening in my life, not just my inner musings.

I’ve joined a gymnastics club again and have been re-learning all of my old tricks, which has been slightly terrifying, but also thrilling (and my body aches in ways I haven’t felt for years)

I spent 4 days turning my blood into pure alcohol on a trip to Belfast with friends from work but had the most incredible time, feeling immense amounts of love and gratitude for the people in my life, that when I returned home I immediately wrote a song as a way to get it out of me

CLICK TO LISTEN

I went to my first ever Hen Do and was the designated stripper which I believe is my backup job if music doesn’t work out since it went down a treat. (Open to enquiries?)

you're not getting the full video sorry

Oh yeah, music. That project of 5 songs I’m working on?

Song #1 is completely finished, mastered, and ready to go.

Song #2 is currently getting mixed, and I’m just putting the finishing touches on song #3.

I’m now going to have to start thinking about cover art etc. and I can’t even begin to know where to start.

I hosted Joe’s Bedroom Sessions #2 with special guest Bess Shooter my very good friend and housemate.

Such a good night where I forced my friends to listen to me sing for 30 minutes but repaid them by giving them food and wine.

Thank you to all those who joined me, and can’t wait for those in the future.

see, literally forcing them to listen

and the food I repaid them with

And for the first time since living away from home, I’ve got an actual real Christmas tree which I’m very excited by.

Bess and I traversed some local charity shops for the decorations and found what is absolutely necessary for every Christmas tree, obviously a very large furry spider (although he prefers Daniel).

Now here are some pictures:

and actual candid of me watching my friends in Belfast and probably thinking how stupid they are/how lucky I am

apparently the #1 tourist attraction in Belfast? the big fish

me & my pals in our very own castle

our morning breakfast and mimosa ritual

a bowl I painted

I got to dress up all nice (well that was the goal)

potential career change to F1 driver just for the cute looks?

the tree & Daniel

I hope some of this made sense, or was entertaining, or meant anything at all to you.

Lots of love,

Joe

P.S. Trust her